Fundamentals
Of A Happy Marriage
By: Shahina Siddiqui
Faith: The most basic
and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the
couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion
confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life.
The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of
values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended
that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship.
For
example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that
when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah increases
the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah
WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving:
When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah
should forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded,
‘then forgive each other’.
One of the main components
of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not
hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we
live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things
that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to
move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness
and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive
us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget:
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down
or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be
left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who
use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness,
unable to break free.
Forbearance: Sabr
(patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being
patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer
to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers
us to handle life’s difficult moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely
by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and
counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Quran, chapter
103).
Flexible: Many couples
unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They
are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their
right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion).
Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very
stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship:
This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to
develop a friendship with our spouses. The relationship based on friendship is
more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust,
respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our differences. These are
the aspects of friendship we should bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately
the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is highly
inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband
in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot
be maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This
should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is responsible
for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility and places an
enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need to see their parents
as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly:
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws.
When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant
source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another
of whose parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses
will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to.
As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual
respect we should not force the issue.
Friends:
The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to
have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to
have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction
being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of
the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as friends
since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun: Couples that do not laugh
together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet was known to play
with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship.
Taking up a sport together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing
a laugh.
Faithful: It is commanded
by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam
that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior
prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining
friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings
of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to
Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once
a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another
form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust
issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair:
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair.
We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be
unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be
unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking
about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never"
and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and
puts the other on the defensive.
Finance:
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell
us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It
is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in
developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed
every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise
way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife’s
money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered
family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
Family:
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed.
This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes
couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause
in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden
rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever
there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is
time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples
who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This
can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A
care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will
be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In
case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of
a will is most essential .
Feelings:
Prophet Muhammad stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those
we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we
have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless
when it comes to their spouse’s feelings, they take them for granted and
assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more
sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must
be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses
and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one
does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to
make amends when we have the time?
Freedom:
Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider
the wife one’s property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role.
The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free
to be themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one
pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one’s spouse
is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation:
A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful
marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special
names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank:
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital
relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due
consideration to the other’s feeling, without compromising their own views.
When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness
and deep understanding of each other’s inner self.
Facilitator:
When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for
a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure
of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing
their partner’s spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates
their family’s commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering:
Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive
way to win your spouse’s heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed.
So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated
in return.
Fulfilling: To be
all one can be to one’s spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience.
To be in love means to give one’s all. The heart does not put conditions
or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such
selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible:
It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus
of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand
the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness:
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other
by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective
friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in
which one can develop fondness.
Future:
Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial
and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children.
This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
Source:
Sound Vision
www.soundvision.com
Advice
to Husbands
by Dr. Sherif Abdel Azeem
Mohamed
By getting married you are not only getting
a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days
your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend. She will
share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows,
your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she
will take the best care of you. When you need help, she will do all she can for
you. When you have a secret, she will keep it. When you need advice, she will
give you the best advice. She will always be with you and when you wake up in
the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be her. During the day, she
will be with you, and if for a moment she is not with you in physical body, she
will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul. When
you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her, and when
you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your
whole world and you will be her whole world.
The best description
that I have personally ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each
other is the Quranic verse which says, "they are your garments and you are
their garments." Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because
they provide each other with the protection, comfort, cover, support, and the
adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey to Alaska in
the winter without garments! Our spouses provide us with that same level of comfort,
protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments
would do in the Alaska journey.
The relationship between both
spouses is the most amazing of all human relations. The amount of love, affection,
intimacy, closeness, mercy, compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the
hearts of a spouse is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these
most amazing of all human feelings is that it is an act of God. Only God
Almighty in His infinite power, boundless mercy, and great wisdom can create and
ingrain those amazing feelings in the hearts of spouses. In fact, God reminds
those who search for His signs in the universe, that those feelings in the hearts
of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as
He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for
you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and
He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those
who reflect."
But the human heart is not a static entity,
it is very dynamic. Feelings can and do change over time. Love may wither and
fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness
in marriage cannot be taken for granted. Continuous happiness requires constant
give and take from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and
continue growing, the soil must be sustained, maintained, and nurtured. Therefore,
I will now give couples a few tips on how to keep this tree growing:
